Stephen King Must Be A Dad

Since I had children, I don't watch horror movies anymore. This has nothing to do with their tender sensibilities- it's because my kids can scare the bejesus out of me, no special effects or creepy theme music required. I swear, sometimes I think all I need is Alex talking to his finger and saying "redrum" to ensure I never sleep again. My kids always wake me around 3 am. I'll be catapulted out of deepest sleep either by bloodcurdling screams from their bedroom, or worse, a motionless shadow standing next to me silently breathing in my face. Either way, my heart does some seriously unhealthy acrobatics. And then there are those really creepy comments they have a knack for making- made all the worse by their sweet sing-song voices. Like the night I was putting Alex to bed and he was saying "night night" to everything in his room......."Nigh, nigh truck...nigh, nigh light...nigh, nigh girl..."......WTF!!!!! Night night girl? What girl!? Does he see some girl!? I calmly asked him about this girl (all the while imagining cold spots and preparing to douse the room in holy water), but he was only 2 and never elaborated further. Or the time my 11 month old daughter woke screaming bloody murder. I went tearing in there expecting pins in the pjs or something. Instead, she screamed hysterical, high pitched screams for a 1/2 hr. despite stripping her naked, rediapering, dressing, singing, bottle offers and changing the crib sheets....then abruptly stopped and just fell asleep in the space of 5 seconds. Or the night my husband was out of town and my 4 month old son stared and cooed at a dark, totally empty corner of the bedroom for about 15 minutes- I never did figure out what he was looking at. Then there's always the bad dreams, where they wake up (see "bloodcurdling screams" above) and proceed to tell you incoherent stories about the man that was in the room just a second ago who must now be under the bed or in the closet (or escaped from the local mental hospital with a hook for a hand maybe?). Or perhaps they merely try to sneak into bed with you-- via lifting up the covers at the foot of the bed and crawling in like a reject from some Japanese horror flick (I always end up like that cartoon cat, clinging to the ceiling by its fingernails). So you see, the sleepless nights of parenthood aren't always about midnight feedings or nighttime coughs. Sometimes it's screams, creepy comments and unexpected visitors that keep you up...so I don't need any extra help from Hollywood, thank you very much.

Household Tips For Staying Sane

Ok. I have gotten several emails now asking how I am sane with four children....I drink heavily.....just kidding! (my mother-in-law probably just read that and is hyperventilating into a paper bag as we speak). Anyway, at the risk of sounding like some kind of Super Mommy (I am sooooo not even close), I will pass on a few things that keep me sane. Maybe they will help you too.

1. Get a shower every day- even if it's after your hubby gets home. Follow this up with a little face powder, eyebrow pencil and lip gloss and splash on a little body spray. After this, I feel much more put together- even though I am only wearing sweats and baby urp.

2. Leave it til later. Housekeeping is a full-time, never ending marathon of a job. If you get a few minutes of down time- rest!!! Go somewhere quiet (this is key..tv is really not that restful) and stare out the window, have a cup of coffee, read a book for 5 minutes....whatever. Just get in a couple minutes of alone time. All the housework, laundry and childcare will still be there and anyone who thinks your house should be perfect is obviously childless or affluent enough for a maid.

3. Housework ends all squabbles. In our house, the kids have some basic chores that they have to do "because it's part of being in this family", but when they all start fighting, squabbling and tattling- I put them to work. I tell them if they have so much extra energy, it should be put to better use. It's a win-win situation. They are learning how to problem-solve and I haven't had to dust in 2 years :)

4. Organize, organize, organize!!! There is no way around this one. I work my rear end off on this one. The house may be a wreck, but my closets, drawers and cabinets are organized and labeled. You can pretty much walk in off the street and find clean sheets, Tylenol or school records without any trouble. In this one area I am the she-bitch-with-laser-eyes if things don't get put back properly. When you are keeping up with stuff for 6 people you have to know where it all belongs or you will go nuts. I also have 3 separate calendars. A monthly one I write stuff on, one on my phone I program in as I need and one in the kitchen showing everyone's schedules for the current week. I sync them all up every Sunday.

5. Less is less. Duh, right? But seriously, everyone's stuff can easily take over a house. So a couple times a year we go through it all and purge outgrown clothes, toys and junk we don't need anymore. I also cut down on the basics. Each child has 2 towels in their personal color, a cubby that gets cleaned out when full and no more that 10 outfits. Each bed has 2 sets of sheets and a winter and summer blanket, and each closet has a plastic tub for outgrown clothes.

So that's it. It all sounds pretty good on paper, but in reality, I am as nuts as every other mom out there. I drink too much coffee, never get enough sleep and am always behind on the laundry. I lose my temper, yell at my kids, am chronically late to preschool and despite my three calendars, I still forget stuff. But I am dressed, my closets are neat and my children are clean, fed and clothed so I can live with it.

The Lottery

Yesterday I won the lottery.....nooooo, not the one with all the money- the other kind, the PRESCHOOL LOTTERY. I say that in all caps because it apparently inspires fear and awe in the hearts of mothers everywhere. You see, after a preschool signs up all the returning students, siblings and children of church members, the remaining slots are open to the general public via lottery system. For those of you who haven't experienced this little peephole into hell, I will explain. Picture a large room full of folding chairs, screaming toddlers, roped off aisles and registration tables manned by sweet (if somewhat harried) grandmotherly ladies.....now amp up the stress level to about that of those "naked in school" dreams. There are different procedures, but in my case I arrived early to be issued a number....and then to sit there for an hour while the room filled with 100 or more people, all of whom were competing for the 23 remaining spots. When the cutoff time arrived we all sat tensely in a now-quiet room as numbers were called at random and those lucky moms stepped up to be issued a different number and instructed to get in line at the appropriate table and find their place in THAT line based on numerical order. It may sound innocuous, but you cannot imagine the stress of sitting there while everyone around you is called up and the lines at each table get longer and longer. Then waiting in line as others (called after you I might add) get to cut in front of you because their number comes before yours. While I waited in my seat, I heard tales from anxious moms about this being their fourth or fifth lottery attempt, some even camping out at 5am to receive a number at first light. I swear I haven't seen this much anxiety since my best friend in high school missed her period. I had originally intended to just relax about the process, but I found this impossible sitting there with horror stories whispered against the background of pure stress as lady luck ran the show. In the end, I was the next to the last number called and nabbed the very last "boy" spot in the class I wanted. I walked out of there feeling like the luckiest person on the planet....maybe I'll even buy a lottery ticket on the way home.

The Lighter Side of Motherhood

Today I liked my children. Don't freak out. Every day I love my children with a passion and intensity that can only come with motherhood, but not every day is one where I enjoy their company. Let's be honest, there are plenty of days when it's 2pm and you have dealt with spilled juice, leaking bottles, 15 temper tantrums, 6 sibling fights (with injury), 4 arguments over which cartoon to watch , 2 fights over the volume of the cartoon in question and an incredible amount of poop either in diapers or worse, all over the bathroom floor....all this and you are still unshowered and reheating the same 1/2 cup of coffee you've been trying to drink since 6am.
But not today! Today the gods of harried mothers with late-working husbands showed mercy and I had 4 wonderful, well-behaved children that remembered their manners, did their chores without arguing, took naps without tantrums and made it to the potty on time (obviously I am referring to my 3 year old- my 7 and 10 year olds have it down pat, thank you very much). Then as the cherry on the sundae, they all played together happily after dinner. I had the best time sitting at the kitchen island with the baby and watching my other 3 play some strange hybrid game that seemed to mix freeze tag with hide and seek- with new rules involving the "it" having to sit on a toy truck while chasing the others who could only hop on one foot. And apparently if you jumped out and scared the other player into screaming, there was some kind of bonus that included valentine's candy and a flying stuffed hippo....it's all a bit hazy, but I enjoyed it almost as much as my 8 month old son who squealed and bounced every time a sibling went careening past. So tomorrow, I may again be crazed and craving caffeine, but for now life is happy, boisterous and oh so very sweet.